Rainbows and butterflies are not always reality…

Break-ups are never easy.  I have had my fair share of times when I tell people I don’t feel the same way or honestly, never saying anything and just sort of phasing them out.

I am definitely keeping myself busy after things ended with S, but when I get home and I’m alone, I’m still sad, I’m still numb. Each time I go out with my friends, I meet someone else to go on first dates with.  So I’ve been on a lot of first dates, but none of them have made me want to even go on a second.   I miss the connection that I thought I had with S, he was a good person to me when he was in the relationship. How he ended things…a whole different story.  Just literally walked off one day, a month before we planned a trip to Cancun…and guess who is left fronting the bill for a trip we did not take?  Yep…most expensive love lesson ever and most painful. 

2 years…loving someone…I never thought he could do this to someone, especially someone who did not want to do anything  but love and make him happy.

The guys keep texting and luckily I can tell them we are busy until November with budget stuff, but that will only last so long.  This break-up really messed me up mentally. I just don’t care anymore.

I go on dates, just to date.  Some of them have asked for something more serious, my honest response is that I’m so messed up right now; I don’t even know how to be in a relationship.  I don’t even know how to feel excited over, to trust, and eventually how to love.  2 years ago before I met S, I loved unconditionally. Now as my friend says, keep  your eyes open and love with your heart closed. I feel like that.

Each break-up, I’ve done the same thing…Go out like crazy, date like crazy, travel, and do whatever for a a month or two until I’m fine.

I did that after breaking up with P, but we never ended badly. After 1 ½ years, we just drifted apart, different goals. I was 22, he was 27. I ran off to Brazil for 2 weeks and came back happy.

H and I dated for about 5 months.   He happened to date another girl on the side without telling me.  I was just mad and walked away never looking back. I went to Florida and came back and forgot about everything.

J and I had an up in the air relationship for about 1 year.   It was never solid, we spoke every day…But then…I did not know how serious it was until he flew out to declare his love. I had no idea because we were not fully committed and I did not feel the same way anymore. He blacklisted me from his life, those were his exact words. Blacklisted.  It took me about 2 weeks and I met S. 

But 2 years with S, whatever I’m doing is not working.  Until I met S, I never knew how to love someone, to spend as much time with someone without needing my own space, how to live life without a plan.  In my two years, I have never had so much laughter, hilarious memories, and caring for the other person as I did.  How can someone change so much?  I never saw this side of him. Now, I just need to be single and be me again for a year.

This time, I’ve probably done what I’ve done on steroids. I have not been home one night before midnight for about 2 months. I think I cried the first week and after that started going out.  Obviously, I actually am going to take Mike’s advice and just take a break from dating in general. It’s not making me happy to meet guy after guy and not be excited at all, it makes me lose faith in men altogether.

I honestly asked my friends why it’s so hard this time. It’s been over two months and I don’t think about S that much anymore. My lesson is to change your habits. I don’t go to all my normal places, I have barely been to Tyson’s Mall, I don’t go to Rio, I miss Shamshiry, but avoid that…Anything that we used to go to…I avoid altogether.

From time to time a thought crosses my head like when I got into Costco or I’m somewhere that he and I frequented a lot together.  I don’t think of him on a daily basis anymore, but there is one tie left between us…money issues, but I give up, if that’s what makes him happy at night…keep the money.

My best friend says it’s because of how he ended things and I agree. The way he ended the relationship was just miserable and I think that’s what hurts the most. Two years of loving someone so much, how could he be so mean when things ended, how could he be so cold?  How could he not follow through with some of his promises to tie things up?

I wonder if I will ever truly be happy with a man, to trust, to truly love again after this experience.  To really believe there are nice guys…Me and everyone though S was a nice guy…if he can do this…what can other men do?

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2 Responses to Rainbows and butterflies are not always reality…

  1. Lisa says:

    My poor twin 😦 I’m sorry the pain is still there. I wish I could take it away!! I hope that Chicago helps you 🙂 Love you twin!

    • Linda says:

      Twin Chicago will me amaze. It comes and goes. Most days are getting better, some days are rough. 😦 Love you. I need my twin.

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